Chemo

I had chemo today. Started the second cycle of topotecan. I was "stuck" four (4) times before the IV was stable and didn't blow a vein. I remember thinking, no big deal. It was no big deal to me. No big deal that my veins are getting fragile. No big deal I had an IV inserted in my arms four times before it was stable. No big deal I'm doing chemo once a week. No big deal. That is how much my life has changed.  Next time you feel sorry for yourself because someone said something that hurt your feelings or you didn't get what you wanted or you missed lunch one day. Think about what is truly important and then re-think the pity party......

My Birthday

My birthday was this past Saturday and I have to say and that it was an uneventful day but that was fabulous for me! I was so thankful for being ab,e to celebrate another birthday and more than that, it was my father's as well so I was very thankful for him.

I did chemo again today. Walk in the park! Easy and no side effects upon infusion. I'll see if there any any after effects but I feel pretty confident that won't be the case. I didn't have any last week. I've been tolerating my chemo treatments pretty well since September of last year. When the tumor came back last Fall, I dropped some weight but that is all attributed to the tumor returning. The worst part about today: my chemo nurse told me I needed to do something about my mullet! :-) I don't have a mullet nor will I ever! I laughed so hard I thought I was going to cry. A mullet! Insult or compliment? Go figure....................

My Day

I'm so scattered brained today that I forget what I was doing and literally get lost! I guess it's the chemo brain kicking in. I get another treatment next Monday so that should really get me revved up to get lost all over again! Yee haw!

My New Chemo

Started a new chemo today. I've been doing doxcil since January but the cancer has developed a resistance and the tumor started growing again (this is not new to me). I started topotecan today at once a week for two weeks then off a week. I repeat that cycle two more times and then get scanned. I believe this will be what my life will be like from now on. Change the chemo every six months and hope the tumor reacts and doesn't spread. Well you know what........I can live with that! 

Tomorrow

Hope is a concept that I have learned to covet and never give up on. In my job it's not unusual to deal with so many people who have lost hope and they look to us to replenish  or renew it for them. Hope and faith. Two amazing emotions that can change your life. Wow.............

When I was in the hospital last year, many of my friends and family believed I was dying. I never felt that. I had hope and faith. I KNEW I was going to make it. I can't tell you how........I just did. there was no doubt in my mind. Actually, I didn't believe I was that sick until after I was released.  I had no doubt and I lived that way one day at a time. I still do.

Some people tell me I'm such an inspiration and a strong woman because the way I have dealt with this disease. My response to that is thank you but if you were in my shoes, I know you would react the same way and be just as strong or stronger. I don't think we give ourselves enough credit at times. Have faith in yourself as well as others and the Lord........

Late Night Stuff

It's late at night and I'm alone. I'm not sad..........I'm wondering how someone with cancer who is single attempts to initiate a relationship...let alone date.  How do you ask so much of another? To me, it's different than asking for companionship from friends. I'm asking someone to possibly care about me KNOWING I have a disease that may very well kill me in time.  I know............and I can be run over by a bus tomorrow. I get it but it's just not that easy for someone who may have to rely on chemo to keep her alive for the rest of her time on this earth! If anyone knows the magic answer, please don't hesitate to enlighten me. I'm trying not to do the pity party thing but there are times when it's not so easy to keep a smile on my face. Most of the time I joke but when I'm home after work alone.............it can be hard. But I can say it doesn't last very long so there is a bright side. And it could be much worse........I could be terminal with no hope. That is one thing I do have and I have never let go of.......................hope. 

Relaxation

I have truly learned to REALLY relax over the last year. I used to be SO high strung. Anything that went wrong at work, I would get myself all worked up about it. I had a reputation for over reacting about some things. Now, it ain't no big "thang"! I really like that about myself and hope I can instill that in others. It rolls off me and I think, "oh well, could be so much worse." I let it go and move forward.........never looking back. Kinda cool huh? It took me 45 years and cancer to figure out that whole concept. At least I have time to put into practice! :-)

Life 2

Friends and family are what it's all about!!!!!!! :-)

and GOD.....

Life

Ya know........life is a series of contradictions. It's a roller coaster of ups and downs, good days and bad days. Heartache one day, true love the next or even tragedy. Maybe even all in the same day but that's what makes it so RICH! The irony, the contradictions and the confusion. But in the end, I have dicsoverd that only one thing truly matters.....love. The love that you give to others and the comfort in knowing that you have made a difference with someone or made an impact that is not forgotten. 

Which brings me to my biggest fear in life. Being forgotten after I'm gone. It sounds trivial but that truly does stick with me.  A friend told me recently to stop talking about dying or my "you know what" was going to get kicked! :-). Well, just because I talk about it doesn't mean I'm giving up. One of my favorite come backs is "I ain't dead yet!" That is oh so true! I am far from it. My intention is to be around at least another 20 years. I've got too much going on and intend to have too much going on for quite some time.

The Lord has blessed me so far with the time he has given me and the friends that I have. There are oh so many out there that have unselfishly given their infinite support. And I can honestly say that without it, I would have died last year. So, a very genuine and heartfelt "thank you" to all of you. You have all made life so much sweeter for me and I hope to do the same for you. 

Deep Thoughts

After almost 25 years as a police officer, I never thought that a disease would take me. I always wanted to die in the line of duty.......and I may still. But there are times when I am regretful of that possibility. Sometimes it scares the beejesus out of me and sometimes I feel so strong that nothing can deter me from living life to the fullest everyday. 

I can honestly say I have learned to live in the present and let go of the past........and don't think so much about the future. I have a close friend that loves the latest Eckhart Tolle book, "A New Earth."  In it, Tolle explains the concept of living in the moment and allowing the ego to dictate our lives and the choices we make. Very deep but it's truly a simple concept; many just don't stop to think about it.  

LIVE IN THE MOMENT and never look back! I would like to leave this earth with as few regrets as possible so.........................I'm going to take more chances........ 

Background

A little background information is probably appropriate at this point.  I've enjoyed a relatively quiet life when it comes to my health. Never had a broken bone, never been in the hospital, and rarely ever sick. Always been a fitness nut and health conscious.  I don't drink or smoke. I'm a police officer so drugs are obviously out of the picture.  So, to go from the of picture of health (running half marathon races) to the worst end of the spectrum was a shock. I spend most of my free time either in the gym or outdoors so being sick with cancer just didn't fit into my life!

I was diagnosed in May of last year after a hysterectomy. My doctor was just as shocked as me. If it had not been for the surgery, I would not have been diagnosed til it was too late. It's crappy having cancer but it's better than being dead at the ripe old age of 45. 

I have so much more on my mind but I don't have it all organized in my head yet. I've learned so much in the last year but yet; still confused. I wondered the other day how I could feel so alone when I'm surrounds by so many who love me............................?

The Beginning

My life changed so much in May of 2007 that I really had no idea what I was in for. I went from a completely healthy and fit 45 year old woman running half marathon races to a victim of a dreaded disease that no one wants to talk about.

But I can honestly say that my life has changed for the better even though I have had two close brushes with death. Okay, I know I sound crazy but there is some kind of comfort in knowing how I might leave this world. I have a new appreciation for life and living in the moment. Now.....just because I am comforted about my possible fate does not mean that I have given up the fight! I plan on being here another 20 years!!!! So...stay tuned